Nobel Prize, here I come

If Al Gore can win the Nobel Peace Prize, then it's not out of reach for me, right? Ah, but what cause to pursue? Then it hit me: aliens. Just as many people believe in aliens as in global warming, maybe more. And it only stands to reason that if there are thousands of inhabited planets out there, a bunch of them are going to be hostile. But what are we, the peaceful people of Earth, doing to prevent a deadly invasion? Nothing. Nothing, I tell you! And this is where I come in.

First of all, in my campaign for the prize, I must point out that I've been staving off aliens for years. Do you doubt my claim? How dare you?! Have you ever heard of aliens attacking the Earth? You haven't, have you? My methods are working. But, my friends, we must do more!

Step one is to have everyone, everywhere in the world, line their homes with aluminum foil. In fact, I have already done this and I can testify that not once have aliens invaded my thoughts since completing this vital step. I think we've all learned from movies like Signs that aliens can't penetrate aluminum foil. Naturally, the U.S. will subsidize any countries who are not able to afford millions of square feet of aluminum foil for their citizens.

Next, I will tirelessly cull through years of research by all the top scientists in the field of alien life to determine the best way to defeat each individual race that may pose a threat to us. If we all need to keep glasses of water and baseball bats sitting around our houses, I want you to know about it.

And finally, I will work with experts in alien linguistics, such as Marc Okrand and all those people out there who speak Elvish. Together we will work to develop a way of communicating with any aliens who reach out to us through the cosmos. We need to know if those strange gutteral sounds mean, "I'm pleased to meet you" or "I'm pleased to eat you."

So, my friends, won't you spread the word about preventing the threat of alien invasion? If everyone does their part, we can have peace in the cosmos.