Weirder than ever

I have enjoyed Weird Al Yankovic's songs since the mid-80s, but hadn't listened to any of his newer songs. I figured since I didn't know the songs he was parodying, I wouldn't "get" them. Oh, how wrong I was. And look, he even wrote a song about me!

Plus, check out his new Doors-inspired song, "Craigslist" - absolutely hysterical!

Do I get Social Security now?

The other day we were at a church dinner. Usually, they will announce the order in which the tables are to go up to the food line, but this time they did it a little differently. Anyone 70 or older was allowed to go through the line first.

My seven year old looked up at me. "That's you, Mommy!"

And he seemed truly shocked to find out I am not, in fact, over 70. Then he looked at Hubby. "What about Daddy?"

Grades

I took the four year old for his checkup the other day. While doing the physical exam, the doctor asked him a few questions.

"How high can you count?" was one of them.

"I can count to 100... MILLION!" The doctor probably thought he was kidding, but I bet he could count that high given enough time and patience (I've heard him count to over 100). In any case, the doctor was satisfied with 10. And very impressed when I told him that my preschooler knows all his letters and the sounds they make and is reading simple words.

On the way home, he wanted to know how high his oldest brother could count. "As high as he wants to," I said.

"And what grade is he in?"

"Seventh."

"How high can you count, Mommy?" I gave him the same answer, as high as I want to. "And what grade are you in?"

"I'm not in a grade. I finished school."

He paused for a moment. "So when you finish school you're not in any grade anymore?"

"That's right."

Another pause, then, "That's AWESOME!"

Overheard

I was in the bathroom last night and heard my sons outside the door having the following conversation:

Age 9: I'm going to freeze time!
Age 12: No, don't freeze time!
Age 9: Why not?
Age 12: Because Mommy's in the bathroom! And I have to go to the bathroom! If you freeze time, she'll never come out!

I guess with great power comes great responsibility.

Vroom!

The four year old spent a good part of the day Saturday either playing or watching his brothers play Cars on the Wii. It has several racing games where the characters from the movies run laps around tracks or around Radiator Springs, and it's very cute.

That night, I sat down to brush his teeth. This always takes way longer than in a four year old's opinion it should. After about a minute, he pushed my hand away and said, "Are we on the final lap yet?"

Potty humor

Yesterday, my four year old wanted to know what the word "potty" means. I told him it's just another word for toilet.

"I have a word for toilet, too," he said. "When a boy uses a toilet, I call it a boy-let."

You named your baby WHAT?

I saw a flurry of talk on Twitter yesterday about strange baby names given by celebrities to their poor unsuspecting offspring. I don't think Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell's names for their twin daughters are all that odd - Dolly and Charlie. At least those are real names that other people have named their children in the past. But some of these others...

As someone who grew up with a strange name (yes, in the '70s and '80s it was nearly impossible to find another Jana), let me tell you what these poor children are in for. First, if they have one of those names with thirty letters, they will have to learn to spell it. For me, that wasn't so much an issue. Then, for the rest of their lives they will have to spell it for other people. Can you imagine?

I knew someone (not a celebrity) who gave her daughter the first name Sarajane. For the rest of this little girl's life, she's going to have to say this: "It's Sarajane, all one word, no H." Why would you do this to your child?

Then there are the laugh-invoking names. "Hi, my name is Pilot." Say what? This kid is going to grow up with a chip on his shoulder the size of Texas. Don't think Dweezil and Moon Unit didn't hold a long grudge against their parents, either.

I've really grown to love my name since becoming an adult. It's still relatively unique, and even though I go through the spelling thing every time, at least it's short.

So, what's the wackiest name you've ever heard someone give their child?

My Precious

It is tiny and golden.

Battles have been fought for it.

Every human who sees it is possessed with a strong desire to have it for his own.

Once you have held it, you must hold it again.

And I must admit, it is Precious to me.
The One Thing that rules us all.

Culinary expert - NOT

Image via WikipediaOverheard at Walmart:

"I don't like lasagna. It's too cheesy for me."
"Really?"
"Yeah. All that Ramada cheese."

There are so many jokes I could make here. How about you? Leave your joke in the comments!

At least I know they have manners

I guess being a mom to boys has taken its toll on me. The other day, I was sitting here at my computer and my two younger sons were playing behind me. I burped, just a tiny little, barely audible burp.

"What?" my six year old said.

"I didn't say anything. I burped." And then, because I live with boys and I know what amuses them, I burped again, just to demonstrate.

My poor son rolled his eyes and huffed, "Say 'Excuse me,' Mommy." He left the room, thoroughly disgusted with his rude mother.

Relieved?

Talking to another mom in the church nursery, she told me that her oldest daughter, age 12, had been asking how babies are made. So her mom sat her down and they had "the talk." She's a nurse, so I'm sure it was all very anatomically correct. She said her daughter seemed pretty disgusted my the whole thing (as she should at 12).

When she finished, her daughter asked if she was planning on having any more babies. Her mother said no - they have five, that's plenty.

"That's good. I bet you're glad you don't have to do THAT anymore!" her daughter said.

We had a good laugh over that one!

How I felt about my workout this morning

My workouts have been sporadic lately due to the random pain and extreme nausea from the whole gall stones thing. So yesterday when I "only" had a headache, I went down and did my workout. This morning, again, I have a headache, but I decided I should work out anyway.

So I put in my Tae-Bo Amped DVD, which I love. It's fun, I get a great workout, and I find Billy Blanks to be very motivational. But because I just did it yesterday, my arms and legs are pretty sore, and even though I chose a different one of the five workouts, I was really feeling it.

Twenty minutes into the workout, I wanted to stop. It hurt. And then I heard Billy say, "No obscenities!" Wow, did he read my mind? I never heard him say that before and I've done these workouts many times. Not that I would use an obscenity, but that was just how I was feeling when he said that!

And that's when I realized he had actually said, "One more set of these."

Laughing at the silly way my brain works got me through the rest of the workout.

Fun with welding

Today's Fake Quote:

"A joke should always be in good taste." - C. Rock

Last night, Hubby was laying in bed reading something on his computer. I looked over his shoulder and saw the words "butt weld." Now, I spent the entire last semester of his college career helping him study. I know what a butt weld is. But for some reason it struck me funny.

"Butt weld?" I said. "That sounds painful." He ignored me. "And how do you go to the bathroom?" More blatant ignoring. I glanced at the screen again.

"Large and varied application? I guess it depends on the person," I snickered. He groaned. I rolled over to go to sleep. But I couldn't resist one last comment.

"Hey, do butt welds ever crack?"

That's my Secret

Today's Fake Quote:

"What's that awful smell?" - P. LePew

Days like this annoy me - when it should be snowing, but it's raining instead. And it's always like six inches of rain, which would be like six feet of snow, which would be fun! But no, we get rain. Anyway...

I bought some deodorant the other day and left it sitting on the table. The three-year-old wanted me to open it. I told him no, it was for me, to keep me from stinking (what? that's what it's for!). So he said, "I stink, too!" Hehe. Can't argue there!

Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

The boys and I have been laughing over this video for a few days now.

Where do my kids get this weird streak?

"Mommy, it hurts when I do this," said my five year old. He then bent in half, twisted his upper body to the right, and pointed his right arm at the ceiling.

"Well," I said, "I can see that would be a problem. I mean, that's something people do all day long." Heavy on the sarcasm.

The older boys heard me and came to see what was happening. "It hurts when he does this," I said, demonstrating.

"And this," he said, bending in half and putting both hands on his backside.

"So you can see the problem. It's tough to go even five minutes without doing that." The boys started giggling. "But try not to," I directed him.

"Okay." They were all laughing and imitating his painful poses.

"And now," I said, "I have to go upstairs." And I bent in half, twisted sideways and pointed my right arm up. See, it's a very useful pose.

A homeschool family video

This video is a riot!

A restless night

Did you know that the right combination of flannel pajamas and flannel sheets acts much like Velcro? Neither did I.

Dancing in the dark

At 8:50 last night, the power went out. This was, of course, ten minutes before the finale of Dancing was supposed to come on. It did finally come back on a little after ten, so we got to see Helio and Julianne win! Hooray!

My five-year-old was wandering around the house with a flashlight, bemoaning the fact that he couldn't watch the movie he'd been watching. All of a sudden, he got this horrified look on his face. "Oh, no! We'll have to sleep in the dark!"

Is it wrong to laugh at your child's fears?

Death by pole vaulting?

Yesterday, the main character in my novel got shot with a bow and arrow. I didn't plan it, it just came out that way in the writing. My first Nano novel had a character who got hit by a javelin. I'm beginning to sense I have some sort of deep-rooted fear of track and field events.

Next year I bet I could do a lot of damage with a shotput.