Open letter to all American Idol wanna-bes

Dear people,

You cannot sing. Get over it. The judges don't know you. It's not personal. You just can't sing. No, we won't be seeing you again. No, Simon is not a jerk, idiot, or any of the other colorful names Fox so wisely bleeped out. I would think after five seasons you might realize that the judges are in fact pretty good at what they do. Suck it up. Get on with your life.

And to those of you who will be going to auditions in the future, here's some advice. You might want to watch these current auditions closely so you can understand a few things. For example, talking smack about Simon might get you on camera, but it will also make you look like a Fool - that's with a capital F. If the judges are all three laughing at you, it is not because they are so delighted to have found someone of your caliber; it's because you're really, collossally, bad. If you must move to the rhythm of your music, keep it subtle. Throwing yourself about like a marionette attached to a weed whacker will not get you to Hollywood.

For the ladies, please avoid singing Celine Dion, Christina Aguilera, Whitney Houston, or anyone of similar caliber unless you know you can nail it. For the men, for the love of all that is good and right in this world, don't sing Freddie Mercury or Unchained Melody. Please don't compare yourself to these people either.

And finally, if your co-workers talk you into going on this show, it's not, repeat NOT, because they think you're talented. They are looking forward to getting together on some night in the future with a six pack and some popcorn and laughing their heads off at you.

Sincerely,
The woman who couldn't stop laughing last night