Spying 101

I've been a big fan of USA Network's original series since Monk first aired. After that was Dead Zone, and then Psych. Now, USA is premiering a new original series next Thursday. USA Network's Burn Notice is about a CIA agent who's been "burned," basically the spy equivalent of being fired. The problem is, he has no idea why, and he has to try to figure it out while at the same time hiding his identity.

Now, I'm no spy, but I've watched enough private detective shows and spy films to have learned a few tricks. The first thing I'd do if I were a spy is keep a well-stocked secret identity kit. I'd have different color and length wigs, temporary tattoos, some colored contact lenses, fake scars, and stuff like that. Next, I'd need fake fingerprints, or some way to hide my real fingerprints. Maybe a supply of medical gloves. I'd also get one of those cool voice changers for talking to people on the phone. Even my best friend wouldn't recognize my voice.

To go along with my undercover identity, I'd need all the proper accessories: a laptop, naturally, to keep track of all the clues I've found; a gun, a small one that's easily hidden; sunglasses, which tend to make everyone look alike; and something I could use to get information out of people who are being uncooperative. And then there's my secret weapon: business cards. I learned this one from Face on the A-Team. I pick up business cards wherever I go. Then, if I need to pretend to be, say, an interior designer, I just sort through my stack until I find one, and then I hand it to someone as I introduce myself. No one questions the business card. One caveat - make sure the cards you pick up have the right gender name on them.

Having just left the CIA, I'm sure I'd have a least one friend who'd be filled with righteous anger at my having been burned. So I'd call him or her and get an ally on the inside, someone who could warn me if I were about to be found out, or give me information I couldn't get otherwise.

Finally, I'd stick to places where people didn't know me. The first place my enemies would look are the places I usually frequent. I'd go to new stores, visit new restaurants, even pick a new park bench to hang out on. Nothing would be the same.

I bet you Michael Westen, the spy on this new show, will use some of my tricks. These tv spies tend to be pretty smart. I'm looking forward to seeing how he figures out who burned him and why!