Killer for hire

My father wrote the following letter to some friends of his who are having mouse problems:

Mr. And Mrs. S
Somewhere in the Mountains of Colorado
U.S.A.

Dear Mr. And Mrs. S:
My name is Pumpkin "Killer" Katt. My "friends" have told me that you need someone eliminated. I am supremely qualified for the task. My resume is attached.

I will be available for "the job" starting Monday, August 15. You can forward my retainer to my address via Pony Express. The remainder of my fee will be due upon completion of the "job". I have never failed to eliminate the problems you're experiencing, but there's no guarantee of success.

My fee is simple: $1000.00 before I even get on the plane; first-class air fare round trip to Denver, limousine service to your abode. I will be paid $500 per hit, payable on demand. The balance of my fee, $2000.00 will be paid before I leave your home.

My other requirements: I get to sleep with the lady of the house. And I will expect to be petted, coddled, obeyed and, should I fail to catch any mice, be fed three delicious meals each day - preferably Meow Mix Seafood Medley. At the "termination" of this "contract" you will hire a limousine to take me back to the airport at Denver.

Resume of Pumpkin "Killer" Katt
May 2004: born to Mrs. Bell Katt
August 2004: completed training in "elimination" process
September 2004: completed training in "mooching" procedures at neighborhood motorcoach.
May 2005: learned to tolerate new "kids" on the block - my cousin's cats
June 2005: systematically began eliminating "rodent offenders" in my household, a job which I maintain to this day. (I will continue to draw my current salary of $850 per week while "on assignment" in Colorado.)

Should you need references you may call 1-(800) I EAT MICE. I look forward to receiving my retainer fee tomorrow. See you Monday.

Professionally yours,
P. K. Katt, esq.